nce upon a time in a galaxy far far away there was a war. This however has nothing to do with the story, so you can forget about it. Once upon a different time, there was a hippy, and he was a sad hippy because his motorbike was not on the road. It was quietly rusting to death in a shed somewhere in Surbiton. The hippy was frantically - though passively - trying to save up enough money to sling the old rust heap and get a brand new gleaming second hand GPZ-750 TURBO. Wishful thinking perhaps for the hippy was unemployed. Early one morning, well it was early for the hippy, he awoke to find the last fourteen years mail lying at the front door. He exclaimed aloud "OH WOW! I've overslept for fourteen years".

Fortunately this had cured his bowel problem (well one of them at least).

During his long sleep many people had tried to wake him up. They tried wafting Bacon and eggs under his nose (no reaction), they tried making lots of noise (not a flutter), they tried hitting him on the head with a sledge hammer (no effect), and finally they nicked his stereo, but all to no avail as the hippy had finally reached the pinnacle of his laziness, he just couldn't be bothered to get up.

Naturally after fourteen years in the same bedclothes they stank a bit, as did the hippy, I won't even mention the sweaty permanently affixed caks, and he was a mite touch hungry.

Wandering ravenously around the dusty kitchen he stumbled upon an old can of beans. Oh wow he thought to himself, I could just murder some beans. So he tried to turn the gas on. But of course he had been cut off long ago, and the gas was non existant as well. So he proceeded to eat them raw. Now Mr Heinz didn't really expect his beans to have a shelf life of over fourteen years so they were a bit mouldy. Still the hippy would eat anything given an excuse. Strangely enough they seemed to have a weird effect on him, he began to glow in the dark. This was probably due to the fact that they had been irradiated ten years before in a freak catastrophe that totally wiped the life off of the planet earth.

A large circular object that originated somewhere in the vicinity of CYGNUS X-1 crashed into the earth and caused severe changes in weather, that eventually obliterated practically all signs of life. Anyway, back to the story. The hippy burped and broke wind at the same time (a neat trick if you can do it) grunting in satisfaction after finishing his "meal". There was a terrific whooshing sound then a loud sonic boom and the sound of crumbling masonry, and that was only the burp! Above this however there a gentle low hum and light pierced the atmosphere around the hippy who by now had turned a funny shade of fluorescent orange. A dark portal opened within the light and a strange alien figure stepped out of the hole which abruptly closed behind him.

The hippy's eyes slowly adjusted to the light though the figure was still in shadow. The hippy barely whispered his astonishment "oh wow.".

A smaller portal opened within the shadows form and noise erupted in an immense torrent that sent the hippy ten feet into the air and thirty feet backwards through the decaying wall of the house. Then the volume suddenly decreased and the alien coughed.

"Er...excuse me" it said

"Can we have our ball back please ?"