H I P P Y S T O R Y P A R T F I V E
New improved hippy story formula NO artificial additives, colours or E numbers
awn broke over a misty London. Luckily the emergency services wasted no time and had it fixed before anyone was aware of the damage. Nothing stirred in the half light and all was still, unusual as it was normally very busy with the everyday bustle of city life. To the untrained observer i.e. tourist, London was dead, to it's citizens however this was Sunday and an excuse to stay in bed all day.
The hippy didn't need an excuse.
A solitary black cab crawled along Oxford street, which was suspicious because cabs don't usually crawl, they roll along. All of a sudden it stopped and a door slid open in it's side. A tall long haired gentleman emerged and casually walked up to the front of Barclays Bank. "Bastards!" he whispered under his breath.
The tall semihippy walked over to the cash dispensing machine and put in his Barclaycard. The machine went into a fit and started to short circuit. The semihippy fiddled around for a while and strolled back over to the Waiting cab. He got in and it ran like hell in the general direction of Baker street.
A pigeon watched on with interest.
Barclays Bank Oxford Street ceased to exist. The fireball swept down Oxford street for several hundred yards, burning the facades of the trendy clothes and shoe shops, melting half the stock of the HMV record store. The pigeon would have been surprised at this except that it had been roasted alive and fell to the ground. A few hours later a cat wandering down Oxford street couldn't believe it's luck when it found a roast pigeon just lying on the pavement. Gleefully it grabbed the unfortunate pigeon in its jaws and made off down the road. Meanwhile in a quiet suburban area in a quiet suburban house lived a quiet-ish rural hippy and his pet Sludge.
"Sludge" remarked sludge in surprise.
"Oh wow" said the hippy.
"Sludge" replied sludge.
"Oh wow" said the hippy.
"Sludge" argued the sludge.
"Oh wow" said the hippy.
This continued in much the same way for about four hours punctuated only by the occasional 'Klacklerongle'. "So, the Barclays Bank in Oxford street exploded this morning, no witnesses, excepting the roasted pigeon who's of no use to us now." said the hippy finally breaking the mold of conversation that had been sustained for four hours."I think we had better pay a visit to the site to see if we can pick up any clues the police have missed, and also, I want to see if my magic brick will work and if my new flashy dayglow yellow underwear fits over my tatty jeans."
Inspector Jethro stood dumbstruck as a hippy floated towards him on a brick, in the hippys lap was a large lump of gray sludge. The inspector rubbed his eyes and pinched himself, but the hippy was still there. This was desperate he thought, too much coffee, too little alcohol. He grabbed his gun and shot himself in the foot, red pain blurred his eyesight and for a moment the hippy disappeared, but when his vision refocused the hippy was still there.
"Holy Shit !! Where on earth did you come from ?" gasped the inspector.
"Well my mother says that I was delivered and left under a cabbage by a myopic swan who'd taken over from the stork, but I know better...I'm from Shrewsbury". The inspector stared at him in disbelief.
The inspector had just noticed the awful dayglow yellow Y-Fronts festering on top of the hippys tatty jeans, he could feel his retinas beginning to burn. The hippy rapidly explained the situation:
"Bubbbubbubbubbubbubbubbubbklacklerongleanklespanielbubbubbubb" The inspector looked at the hippy with a glazed expression on his face.
"I think I may be retiring very soon" he said. The inspector wandered off in the general direction of an awaiting ambulance.
The hippy walked over to the smouldering remains of Barclays Bank. Sludge followed at a discrete distance, sludging along in a sludgelike manner. Then the hippy let out an exclamation and dived into the rubble.
"Oh wow !" The hippy emerged covered in dust holding a single strand of fair hair approximately a foot long.
"This belongs to a semi-hippy" said the hippy.
"Sludge" said sludge.
"Yes, that's a good idea, lets go back to the lab and get this analyzed"
The semihippytypeperson walked up to the cash machine in the wall of the NatWest Bank head office. He sniggered and put in his special Barclaycard. The machine burst into a fit and started throwing cash out into the wind. The semihippy fiddled with the buttons and then made off for the nearest tube station. The tallest building in London ceased to be.
The hippy looked confused, he also looked very stupid, but looks can be deceptive, he was in fact very very dim. The computer printout gave him all of the information he required.From the single strand of hair the hippy was able to narrow down the list of suspects to one. Bastard Semihippy. The Bastard Semihippy was systematically going throughout London destroying several of the major high street banks. The hippy could not however work out what his motive was or how long the rest of his hair was.
Monday morning brought chaos to the stock exchange and the pound fell rapidly against the dollar. A major influx of supportive petty cash from the Bank of England merely served to delay the inevitable, the stock market was in the process of collapsing. By far the heaviest losses were sustained in the worlds cash exchanges. If anyone cared to listen carefully they would have been able to hear the semihippy laughing aloud to himself from his secret hideout underneath Baker street station.
The wall crumpled to dust and the hippy stepped through the gap into the lounge brandishing a deadly laser blaster pistol, and musical airhorns. the semihippy dived behind the couch for cover. The hippy hadn't noticed him. The semihippy shouted at the top of his voice: "BANG" .
The hippy jumped so high his head hit the ceiling.
Whilst the hippy was in the air, the semihippy ran into the kitchen and dived into the washing machine which had a false back that led out onto the District line platform. The semihippy stepped out, straight into a pool of gray sludge. His feet sank into the sludge and he found that he couldn't move. Slowly he sank in up to his knees.
The hippy appeared and was just about to render the semihippy unconscious when
the semihippy produced his secret weapon.....The SONIC TEATOWEL !!
[CRACK]
"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh!!!!" grinned the hippy, as the pain travelled up his left leg.
[CRACK]
The sludge retreated, freeing the semihippy.
[CRACK]
The hippy hopped up and down desperately trying to cool the stinging area between his legs.
[CRACK]
And the semihippy was gone.
The hippy looked on in astonishment. He had escaped.
The hippy undid his trousers.
"Ahhhh, that's better"
"Sludge" said the sludge.
"It's just as well I remembered to put that sonic homing device on the semihippy otherwise we'd have lost him forever. Let's go grab the 750TURBO and give chase"
"Yawwwwwwn" said the sludge.
"I tried them and liked the way my feet didn't get wet when it rained":Man in street
"I tried them and liked the way that they kept themselves clean":Man in toilet
"I tried them but thought they needed a little extra salt, and they were a bit tough to chew for my taste":Man in mental asylum
"I liked the way that my feet didn't get all soggy when I put them on after forgetting about what I did with them the night before":The hippy in bed
YES NEW ABSORBO SOCK CAN HOLD UP TO 4 GALLONS . GET SOME TODAY
"I only have one regret, they cost so much I couldn't afford a 750TURBO..":Hippy in bed being extremely boring
Just give this to your hippy to keep him happy, new HIPPY MUESLI comes ready
sweetened to the Hippys exactant tastes. Remember HIPPY MUESLI has GUARANTEED 0.1% muesli.
INGREDIENTS:Sugar,Glucose,Honey,Dried skimmed milk,E102,MSG,Muesli
If it happens to you, will you be able to cope ?
Will you be able to get over the shock ?
Will you be able to reconstruct your life after the amputation ?
Would you be able to live down the shame ?
Could you ever go into Woollies again without getting a fit of the screaming heebeegeebee's ?
THINK BEFORE YOU PUT ON THAT SOCK ! YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN !
THINK THAT BLOODY DISGUSTING HIPPY'S NOW DOING IT WITH MY SOCKS !