I don't exaggerate
But he was nine foot four
And he banged my head
Before he slammed the door
I thought was this his way of saying hello
But my black eye thought no
(Gillan/Glover 1988)
The hippy reached an all time low by oversleeping for fourteen years. During which time a massive meteor had struck the Earth and practically destroyed all signs of life. This meteor later turned out to be a ball used in some bizarre intergalactic game. The hippy - feeling hungry - ate a can of fourteen year old Baked Beans and he began to fart alot, also, he acquired an incandescent orange glow. One super-fart destroyed the Earth and sent the hippy deep out into space. After bouncing around the galaxy for a couple of millenia, the hippy encountered his mental equal in the form of Sludge. Falling through a temporal time warp, the hippy was returned to Earth in early 1988. Bastard semihippy IV, the last in a short line of bastards, had set about destroying the world money markets, but he was thwarted by the hippy and Sludge, much to the annoyance of inspector Jethro (an alcoholic police man) and PS (Police Serf) MadChris (his sidekick). The bastard semihippy escaped and began wreaking his revenge by callously murdering defenceless telephones, what a bastard ! Whilst pursuing the semihippy, the hippy met with a nasty accident that resulted in a mangled 750TURBO (yawwwwnn). A Tactical Support Group unit led by commander Biggles, rescued inspector Jethro and PS MadChris from the dangerous territory inbetween Birmingham and Wolverhampton. Acting on orders from the Bosh herself, they joined forces with captain T.J.Bwyers and at this very moment have the bastard semihippy surrounded...
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ommander Biggles finger hovered over the firing switch. He was itching to let all of the accumulated explosives piled around the house go off in one big bang. Inspector Jethro though was in charge and he wanted the Bastard alive.
Commander Biggles hit the button. The house exploded four times, the devastation spreading for half a mile up the road.
"Oops!" said commander Biggles, barely suppressing the smile spreading across his face.
"You dirty wotter !" cried captain Bwyers.
The hippy fell off of his brick, and it continued to roar off into the distance.
The wandering minstrel turned away from the window and addressed the Bastard semihippy.
"They've just blown up the house across the road!"
"That was a dirty twick!" said the captain.
"Shut up pizza face" said commander Biggles. He didn't get where he was by being soft on winging minions.
"You've totally destwoyed this side of the stweet ! However am I going to be able to explain this to my supewiors!"
"Fuck off." Dismissed inspector Jethwo, who then pwoceeded to ignore him. The captain went off in a huff, determined to wreak his wevenge ! When the huff returned inspector Jethro and PS MadChris jumped in. They considered driving up to South Shields where the Bosh would never be able to find them, but then again they thought that they were probably better off going to face the music. As it turned out they needn't have worried.
"Way-yae-man well done! Ye got that Bastard semihippy. He's gone, mincemeat! Have a drink. Go on ye deserve it, get it doon yer gob!" Inspector Jethro couldn't believe his luck, but he could believe the exceedingly generous measure of mixed spirits currently heating his body.
The hippy awoke as Sludge poured over him.
"Sludge" said Sludge.
"Sludge" said the hippy, his imagination totally failing him.
The hippy picked himself up off the floor, thanked himself, patted himself on the back, did something else to himself which shouldn't really be put into the story, and then sent himself off down the road to get help. Luckily he only had to walk a mile to get to a village, but it took him nearly a day (well, he had to stop to rest every so often!). The first door he knocked on was that of the doctor who sent him down to the vet. The vet opened the door.
"Oh bloody hell, not another hippy."
"Oh wow!" said the hippy.
"Come in, sit down, smoke this, don't move" said the vet, handing him a hand rolled cigarette.
"Oh wow! I don't smoke" said the hippy.
"Damn right too" said the vet taking a very long drag on the cigarette.
"Now...man...what...can...Idoforyou ?" The hippy took a good long look at the vet, he seemed strangely familiar.
"Oh wow! I fell off my magic brick and when I woke up, my pet Sludge sent me on to this village where I could get help, you see I have to get up to Wirral before the Bastard Semihippy kills off all the telephones."
The vet stared at the hippy and took another very long drag on the cigarette.
"Would you mind putting on this jacket for me please...man" The hippy put on the jacket, and the vet did up the straps for him.
"Oh wow!, the buckles are on the back !"
Inspector Jethro awoke to a blurred swimming room. The room was doing the breast stroke, but it got slapped on the face and abruptly stopped swimming. Inspector Jethro felt the pain. He looked up and the Bosh was standing over him with a baseball bat.
"Way-yae-man, get yer arse off me floor and goo oot and find that hippy again, them
telephones are still dyin'!"
Inspector Jethro desperately tried to remember the plot, but couldn't manage it and had to refer back to HIPPYSTORY part 6.
"Oh...yeah, the phones..."
His eyes closed, but opened abruptly when he suddenly felt the ringing pain of wood on wood as the baseball bat connected with his skull.
"Way-yae-man, ye cannae have a hangover, ye only had t'equivalent of twenty six pints man!"
"Oh god.........."
Inspector Jethro turned a strange pale green and ran off in the direction of a large round(ish) receptacle.
The hippy was babbling away to the vet who had a vacant look on his face.
"Oh wow!, this jackets really comfortable, but you can't reach the handle bars because the arms are pointing backwards. I think that you should re-design it, and it should be black, not white. If I went into the Southampton with this on everybody would laugh at me."
There was a ring at the door bell. The vet stood up and floated to the door.
"It had better not be another bloody hippy man!" Two men in white coats carrying a stretcher walked into the room.
"Hello there, we're just going to take you for a little drive. Unfortunately there isn't any room in the front of the ambulan...van for you, and so you'll have to ride in the back. By the way we're going to strap you into this bed as well. Purely for your own safety of course." The hippy was entirely co-operative, and gullible to the point of ignorant. By the time they had bunged him in the back of the ambulance, he was fast asleep. Sludge watched as the ambulance roared off down the country lane. This was going to be tricky. Sludge sludged over to a river and sludged into it. Sooner or later he was bound to reach London.
Meanwhile back at police headquarters. Police woman Robbings led a very upset woman into the identification room.
"Now, you don't have to worry, they can't see you, it's one way glass. They can't hear you either. So you are totally safe, all you have to do is tell us which one it was."
The door opened and PC Thomasthetank roared in on his radio controlled car. He jumped off and turned to the woman.
"O.K. luv, tell me exactly what happened."
The woman slowly sobbed out the story.
"I was [sob] just coming home from the pictures one [sob] evening, when a strange man approached me in the street [sob], he said 'Ooh yeah um, would you like to come back to my place and let me take some really arty photographs of you, hur hur hur!'
[sob,sob,sob,snort]. I ran away of course [sob,sob,etc]."
PC Thomasthetank looked at Police woman Robbings.
"O.K., wheel them in"
Police woman Robbings pressed a concealed button and the lights came on on the other side of the one way mirror. PC Spoz led the suspects into the room, he stood guard at the end of the line. The woman nervously walked along the line one by one.
"Number one is too short, number two is too small, number three has got normal sized nostrils, number four is wearing a good make of personal stereo, number five is a woman, number six is Terry Wogan, he really does get everywhere doesn't he, number seven is standing to attention, so he must be a policeman, number eight is asleep, number nine is only three years old, and number ten [sob,sob,bawl] thats him arrrrrwwww [sob,sob,bawl,cry,etc,etc]".
PC Thomasthetank checked his list. "Well done! You scored ten out of a possible nine. Hang on."
He checked his list again.
"There are only nine suspects there, point him out."
The woman pointed directly at PC Spoz. Police woman Robbings barked an order into the microphone.
"Grab him PS MadChris"
"Who ?"
"PC Spoz"
"Ooh yeah um....."
PS MadChris grabbed PC Spoz and slapped on the cuffs.
"...hur hur hur."
"Okay, take him to the cells, we'll beat him up later."
PC Thomasthetank escorted the sobbing woman out of the room and returned locking the door. "Alright Police woman Robbings, we seem to be alone..."
"Yeah, and I managed to nick that womans purse before she left, I also picked her pocket, relieved her of her earrings, and stole the lenses out of her glasses!!"
"That's my girl!"
Inspector Jethro was unaware of these happenings. He was too busy feeling ill to care about what was going on elsewhere in the story.
"Pass me by please, I think I'm going to throw u
Bastard semihippy made sure the wandering minstrel was securely fastened to the back of the hairdryer. He kicked it into gear and sent it "Hurtling off down the road" at three miles an hour. He watched it plunge into the river Mersey.
"Ha Ha! Now when they recover the body and the hairdryer, they will naturally assume it suffered a mechanical failure and went into the Mersey, drowning me because I can't swim, so officially on the records I'm dead!!"
What a Bastard.
The telephone rang.
The telephone rang.
The telephone rang.
The telephone rang.
The telephone rang.
The telephone rang.
Will somebody answer the goddamn telephone.
The telephone rang.
The telephone rang.
The telephone rang.
PS MadChris, dis-entangled himself from his trousers and bounded over to the telephone.
The phone went dead as he picked it up. The telephone situation was getting worse. He buried it in the back garden.
The door bell rang.
The door bell rang.
The door bell rang.
PS MadChris went to pick up the phone, but suddenly remembered he had just buried it. He went to the door instead. A tall broad man stood awaiting him in camouflage gear.
"You're to come with me now by order of the Prime Minister"
PS MadChris grabbed a pair of trousers and ran after the mystery warry person.
Inspector Jethro had begun to feel sick whenever he looked at white porcelin, he also felt sick when he moved, didn't move, thought, stopped thinking, turned on the radio, turned off the radio, was sick, looked at a bottle of any description, thought of what it was he had had to drink the night before. The doorbell rang. Inspector Jethro felt sick. He opened the door and was grabbed by a broad built man in camouflage gear. He found himself thrown into the back of a little green 1.1 Festa and being driven at high speed towards headquarters. Just as he was getting used to the idea of being in the back of the Festa, the Bosh was thrown in next to him. He also noticed that PC MadChris was sat in the front seat. The man in the driving seat put on dark glasses and an arab head-dress, then with a cry of "ALLAH-ACHBAR!" he threw the car into gear and wheel spun off towards Whitehall.
Sludge sludged over to the bank, he was wet. By his reckoning, which wasn't all that good seeing as he was a two dimensional character, he was somewhere near Oxford. He reasoned that from there, he should be able to sludge a lift into London, then double sludge to Headquarters.
"Sludge" said sludge confirming the above.
The hippy awoke in a plush -if devoid of furniture- room. The floor was soft to the touch, padded infact. Infact come to mention it, so were the walls, and the ceiling.
Herman the Hungry Arachnid decided at last to spring his hand er leg, or one of them anyway. His mandibles quivering, he emerged from his cave and bounced over the hill. After a few moments travelling he came across another cave, there was a noisy sound coming from it. Herman cautioned forwards. The Hermit had already spotted him.
"Hello there boyo!"
Herman bounced into the cave, and crouched menacingly next to the cooking pot.
"Do you want something to eat boyo ?" The Hermit immediately knew he had said the wrong thing. Herman pounced on him and sank his fangs deep into the Hermits neck. The paralysing poison stunned the Hermit as his muscles bound together and jammed. Then Herman wove a web around him and suspended him from the ceiling. But, horror-of-horrors, he was pointing in completely the opposite direction to the poster of Lisa Dominique wearing not much at all David! Herman was not in a mood for square Hermits, he wanted hippy blood, and he wanted it now !
"ALLAH-ACHBAR!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, PAY MORE ROAD TAX THAN ANYBODY ELSE OF SOMETHING!! COR LOOK AT THE STRIDES ON THAT !!! USE YOUR BLOODY INDICATORS ARSEHOLE!! WHERE'S YOUR LANE DISCIPLINE!! TORA-TORA-TORA!!"
The man in the camouflage suit was quite mad. PS MadChris turned around in time to see inspector Jethro throw up out of the window. The journey was not over fast enough. PC MadChris stumbled out of the car and kissed the ground. Inspector Jethro stumbled out of the car and threw up into a litter bin. The Bosh got out of the car and looked scornfully at PC MadChris and inspector Jethro.
"Way-yae-man, what's wrong with ye, canna ye take a bit a fast drivin'?" PC MadChris looked up.
"It's not the fast driving, it's the narrowly missing other vehicles and solid immovable objects that worries me!"
"Bleerrrgh!" said inspector Jethro.
"Way-yae-man, it's number ten Downin' Street!"
"The prime minister will see you now, ALLAH ACHBAR!!" The warrytypeperson disappeared into the building. They only had to wait for a few minutes before the Prime Minister walked in followed by his advisors. PC MadChris twitched when he noticed that one of these advisors was none other than Dodgy Dave.
"Good morning gentlemen, I won't keep you long."
"Way-yae-man, what d'ya mean gentleman, I'm a lady !"
"Errr, yes, quite, sorry. I am the prime minister, but you can call me DT. I have declared a state of emergency, as all the telephones are dying. I myself have attended some fifteen funerals this week, all for important tactical telephones, we're lucky the switchboard is still alive."
There was a muffled squeal from beyond the boardroom doors.
"I have received important communiques from many of my contacts throughout the country and I must tell you that we have found the bastard semihippy."
Inspector Jethro felt ill again. The Bosh stared at him.
"Way-yae-man, I thought ye said he was dead!" Inspector Jethro hummed and hurred, waiting for DT the PM to interrupt.
"I have decided that you three should go up north with Dodgy Dave to Wirral, I'll give you protective clothing, tents etc, and you are to interrogate the bastard semihippy. I want to know how to stop the telephones dying and I also want to know why he's doing this.This will be a dangerous mission, and I expect you all to perform with the utmost courage and dedication, you will be matched against the strongest odds, not least of which is Dodgy Dave and he certainly is odd. You must remember that you are not doing this for yourselves, but for the country and ..." Inspector Jethro had fallen asleep. This was a very similar speech to the one that DT had used to get elected to PM.
Herman bounded along the country lane until he entered a village.
"Flippity-flipptiy,flippity-flippy, I smell the blood of a hippy!"
Herman went up to the door of the vets, he rang the door bell with one of his legs.
There were muffled sounds from behind the door, somebody exclaiming ["Oh shit"], running around and the lavatory being flushed. It took a couple of minutes for the door to be opened.
"Oh shit, it's only a bloody giant spider, I thought it was the fucking pigs, oh no.... my stash !!!!"
The vet ran back up the stairs. Herman went in and tried to sniff out the hippy. He concluded that the hippy was only about a day infront of him and set off on the trail. Not bad seeing as he was a spider and didn't have any sense of smell whatsoever, still anythings possible in a story.
For the second time, inspector Jethro found himself on the way up to Wirral. Inspector Jethro kept one eye on the road and one eye on Dodgy Dave. PS MadChris had elected to travel in the boot of the car. He figured that that was the safest place. Unfortunately he wasn't aware of the fact that he would be sharing his space with Dodgy Dave's emergency ration of two sheep. The Bosh sat in the back of the car with a grim look on her face.
Upon arrival they sought out captain Bwyers. Captain Bwyers was being totally childish and refusing to speak to them. He was still upset -rightly so- that he had been made to pay for the damage to the street that commander Biggles had destroyed. Needless to say he had an overdraft that nearly rivalled that of the Bastard semihippy. After much wrangling and crawling, they finally managed to get him to lead them to the Bastard semihippy himself.
Captain Bwyers explained how they had found him on the way to the cells. "A fisherman (on the Mersey ????) pulled up a gween hairdwyer with the Bastard semihippy stwapped to it. He had an Ibanez guitar and he insisted on playing it all the time whilst we interviewed him."
"You mean he was still alive ?" interrupted PC MadChris.
"Yes. Apparentley he had been in the wiver for two days!"
"Oh wow!" said inspector Jethro. They reached the cell and opened the door.
"You stupid bastard" said inspector Jethro, "That is NOT the Bastard semihippy, that is the wandering minstrel!!!"
What will happen to captain Bwyers ? Where is the Bastard semihippy ? Will the hippy realise he's in the looney bin ? Will inspector Jethro ever get a decent drink ? What will happen to the Hermit ? Who is the mysterious vet ? Is the warrytypeperson really a British subject and not an Iranian terrorist ? All these questions and more will be answered in HIPPYSTORY PART12 !!!!!!!!
Dolly Parton & Samantha Fox
Judas Priest & The Pet Shop Boys
Bananarama & The Bangles
Black Sabbath & Stryper
AC/DC & The Communards
and with their debut album entitled "I can sing, but he can't"
Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young & Tegg
I woke up this mornin', bowed my head in shame and looked at de floor
I woke up this mornin', bowed my head in shame and looked at de floor
'Cause when I pulled on my socks,
I remembered what it was I had been doin' the night before
I've got them, stone cold crazy sock blues !
(except they ain't blue, they's red)
(Joel Cairo 1988)
"Kevin!"
"Yo Shane!"
"Have you seen Gary ?"
"Um, I think he's gone out with Sharon the communal girlfriend"
"Oh! But it's my turn tonight, Gary had her last night!"
"Why don't you go round and find Debbie, she might take you out in her
mini!"
"Nah, Debbie doesn't do it. I would go round and see Tracy, but she just
sits there giggling all the time."
"Well, looks like you'll just have to cruise around the night clubs in
your Cortina then."
"Yeah, see ya Kevin!"
"Shane!"
"Yeah"
"Why don't you call me John like everybody else ?"
If your girlfriends name is Sharon, or you fit into any of the above
sterotypes, get yourself an AIDS test PDQ!!
Come into our 'special shops' this week and get two free issues of "Fiesta". Free with purchases of twenty quid or more is the brand new luxurious, thermos flask vibrator, not only does it give you your jollies, but it keeps your tea or coffee warm for afterwards. We also sell speciality socks that double as contraceptives.
For one week only we are running a special competition especially for porno buffs, fill in our questionnaire on the top ten ever porno movies starring such BIG names as:Tiny Tina, Busty Brenda, Titillating Tart, Sensuous Sharon and friends, Dubious Donna, Chesty (?) Claire, Paedophile Paula, Bent Bwyers, Reasonablygoodlooking Roxanne. The prize will be an all expenses paid trip to the red light district of Amsterdam, subject to physical examination. Also win the chance to appear in a brand new one million pound porno movie starring Dubious Donna and Carefree Clive.
All enquires welcomed, however depraved.
Also this week, new in, inflatable partners, the following only are available:
1] Vinyl Vera (Inflatable woman)
2] Rubber Roger (Inflatable man)
3] Fluffy Flossie (Inflatable sheep courtesy Dodgy Dave and ass-ociates)