I was blue and lonely, I couldn't sleep a wink
I could only get to sleep, if I'd had too much to drink
There was somehow something missing somewhere
I needed a brand new start in life
Somewhere to place affection, but I didn't want a wife
Then by lucky chance I saw, in a "special" magazine
An ad that was unusual
The like I'd never seen
Experience something wonderful with our new imported toy
She's loving, warm, inflatable, a guarantee of joy
She came all wrapped in cardboard, all pink and shrivelled down
A breath of air was all she needed to make her lose that frown
I took her to the bedroom and pumped with some life
And later in a moment, that girl became my wife
I bounce her in the bedroom, I bounce her in the hall
And now my life is complete and I wear a permanent grin
I only have to worry in case my girl grows thin !
(Stewart Copeland 1980)
&&H&I&P&P&Y&&S&T&O&R&Y&&P&A&R&T&&12
ow to start HIPPYSTORY part 12 ? thought the talented but modest author.
How indeed for all of a sudden he was lost for ideas, still, it was only Wednesday morning. In a desperate effort to stall for more time to continue the original plot, he presented the tale of the little village of Splonik. Splonik was a little village. It only had five hundred inhabitants, that was until Olesmokey came along, then that number dropped so radically, a referee had to be brought in to keep the score.
Olesmokey was a dragon, not a common occurrence in 1642. He appeared in the night sky and descended upon the village setting light to the local tavern and the curry house, much to the annoyance of the inhabitants. After wreaking terror into the hearts of everyone in the village Olesmokey presented his demands, ate a few peasants just to impress his point and also because like all dragons he was an utter sadist. His words rung out far across the land:
"Hear ye, hear ye, I Olesmokey of the Clan of dragons do hereby tell ye plebians that you had bettereth giveth me one virgin a week to do with what I will or elseth."
That was it. Now, all the young virgins in the village immediately ran in search of men willing to relieve them of their innocence, and most succeeded, except two young girls. The firsts name was Griselda Trubshaw. Now with a name like that you'd expect her to be an ugly fat cow with the manners of a pig and the face of some other farmyard animal, but you'd be wrong.
She was hideous.
Infact, before the dragon came along she was considered to be THE most frightening "thing" in the province. Needless to say she was still a virgin, even an industrial sized paper bag could not hide her ugliness. The other girl was her sister, and her name was Jade Trubshaw. You'd expect her to be the size of a Rhinocerous together with the horn, and the bowel control of a hippy on concentrated muesli. But you'd be wrong again because she was infact absolutely scrumptious. Now with a body like that (and what a body!) you'd expect that she'd have no problem losing her virginity. But you'd be wrong yet again (you're not doing very well really are you, maybe you should have a couple of aspirin and go to bed, then try reading this tomorrow, maybe you won't make as many mistakes) for she lived in the shadow of her sister, literally.
The time was fast approaching when the dragon was due to visit the village and extort his first virgin who was definitely going to be either Griselda or Jade. Of course, Griselda lost and got sent to the dragon. Infact, so keen were they to appease the dragon, they sent her to the stake a week early. The dragon arrived and let out a mighty roar which sounded a bit like: "YUK!", at least it rhymed with yuk.
The dragon then went off with Griselda in a Sainsburyeths industrial paper bag. Griselda was never seen again.Jade meanwhile had had a chance to try and lose her virginity. She had led an extremely sheltered life and she was a bit shy, not to say naive. So when she met a rather dashing young man who promised to show her his rabbits, she followed him to his ramshackle hut on the edge of the village.
The dashing young man was none other than Sir Prick of Pen-is, though he wasn't called this because of the size of his todger. Sir Prick removed his armour to reveal a snazzy pair of chain mail jouster shorts. Jade was a little taken aback, she'd never met an almost bare Prick before.
Sir Prick gathered Jade into his arms and pulled her close.
"Oh Jade my love, I wisheth that I could be by thine side forever, or at the very least on topeth of ye" Sir Prick raised his eyebrows a couple of times and reached into Jades flimsy rags. After rooting around for a bit he eventually encountered raw flesh, he was surprised to find that Jade was not wearing a brassiere, though god knows why because they hadn't even been invented yet.
Jades breathing became heavier and she began to pant sensuously. Sir Prick removed his jousters shorts before he did himself an injury and stood naked before Jade who began to remove her rags. Sir Prick could not contain himself, which was a pity because she wasn't going to lose her virginity. At that precise moment, three burly men from the village burst in and dragged Jade off to the sacrificial stake, though they did pause long enough to laugh at Sir Prick and the inaproppriacy of his name.
Olesmokey appeared in the sky and circled a few times before landing before the stake. He beheld a beautiful young maiden - naked - tied to the stake. He let out an almighty roar, which sounded something like: "Thats bloody more like it!" And he flew away with her to his lair. Jade lived happily ever after, for Olesmokey had fallen madly in love with her and treated her well, he was also very rich, albeit from extortion and theft. But, what made Jade most happy was the fact that the dragon had an absolutely enormous great throbbing
The author stopped stalling for time and continued with the HIPPYSTORY. PC MadChris had to be restrained from hitting captain Bwyers, though he wasn't restrained all that hard and managed to get in a few good punches before captain Bwyers went off winging down the corridor. Inspector Jethro looked to the Bosh for guidance.
"Way-yae-man ye had better get oot and find that bleedin' bastard semihippy before he goos and kills any more phoons. And make sure ye get the right man this time man!" Inspector Jethro and PS MadChris went in search of a good pub where they could drown their sorrows. Meanwhile, Sludge had managed to reach London and sludge to police headquarters where he was trying to get to see the Bosh.
"Sludge" said Sludge trying desperately to make the receptionist see sense. She hadn't noticed him as she was too busy listening to Rik Arsehole on her headphones whilst typing a letter. Sludge gave up and sludged under the door into the Boshes office. The Bosh said 'Yuk!' and went to get her vacuum cleaner. Before he knew it, Sludge was sucked up into a dusty bag. It was at this point that he suddenly transformed. In a blinding flash of argent light, there stood a hunky young virile man in tight stockings, dressed entirely in grey, wearing a mask, and covered in dust.
The Bosh was taken aback.
"Way-yae-man!"
SuperSludge had a deep booming voice.
"I bring grave sludge news. The sludge hippy has been taken prisoner and is at this very moment sludging around in a padded cell somewhere in Wales"
"Way-yae-man!" The Bosh was gobsmacked, she was also giving SuperSludge the once over, and she liked what she saw.
"Way-yae-man, forget the bleedin' hippy, get yer tights off!"
The hippy gurgled away happily to himself, having immense fun rolling around on the soft surface. He did not notice the men in white coats sadly shaking their heads at the window in the door. At that time, he decided to go into his favourite rendition of 'Oooh Oooh Oooh The Funky Gibbon' complete with bubbubbubb's. Doctor Megahippy turned to his assistants.
"What we have here is a classic case of Atheletes foot!"
The other doctors consulted their notes and began to shake their heads.
"I'm afraid [cluck!] that you seem [cluck!] to be slightly [cluck!] mistaken in your [cluck!] diagnosis Doctor Mega[cluck!]hippy [cluck! Blaerrrk!]"
Doctor Megahippy stared at Doctor Fowler for a minute.
"I must agree [cuckoo!] with Doctor Fowler in his [cuckoo!] supposition that you're [cuckoo!] diagnosis is [cuckoo!]" Doctor Megahippy gave Doctor Swissclock a sideways glance and looked at Doctor Parrot.
"Well [Quaaarrrk!] I'm afraid that I [woof!woof!] must say [Polly wanna cracker!] that I think that my two colleagues are right [show us yer tits!] and that you are wrong [cuckoo!]"
Doctor Megahippy looked at Doctor Largealsationwithfloppyears in apprehension.
"I think that it is more likely that this is a classic case of a raving lunatic, not Athelete's foot."
Doctor Megahippy consulted his notes again. "Oh yes, my mistake, that's the man who thinks he's a tree next door, he insists he's got Dutch Elm Disease."
The hippy had stopped gurgling and was in the process of humming (badly) to himself. Doctor Megahippy adjusted his glasses to make himself look more sinister.
"I think that we shall sedate him and commence our experiments tomorrow."
There was a chorus of bird calls and farmyard noises from the other doctors, all except Doctor Largealsationwithfloppyears who just nodded in agreement smiling exposing his fangs.
The Bosh let out a long sigh and looked across at Supersludge who was lying next to her in the bed. "Way-yae-man, I could just murder a pizza!"
The Hermit was beginning to feel a little light headed and he had lost all sensation in his feet, all the blood was accumulating in his head. He didn't feel very well.
Dodgy Dave got back into the car.
"Look," said inspector Jethro, "we aren't going to get any nearer to finding the Bastard Semihippy if we have to stop at every field we pass for you to admire the sheep!" Dodgy Dave started to complain then stopped when he remembered the emergency ration of two sheep in the boot. He smiled to himself. Inspector Jethro turned to PS MadChris.
"The Bastard has obviously gone to ground and he's lying low, so all we have to do is coax him out of hiding. This requires some bait, but what can we use to lure him out into the open ?"
The Bosh let out a long sigh and looked across at Supersludge who was trying to get his breath back.
"Way-yae-man, I could do wi' another pizza!"
The hippy felt a stabbing pain in his arm and wondered what it was. Doctor Largealsationwithfloppyears walked back to the door, syringe in hand and motioned for Doctor Swissclock and Doctor Mynamesevenlongerthandoctorargealsationwithfloppyearssothere to bring in the stretcher. The hippy tried to recollect what it was that had caused the pain in his arm. Doctor Largealsationwithfloppyears waved the syringe in his face, there's nothing to worry about, it's just a mild sedative.
"Ouch!" thought the hippy, well, he actually thought 'Oh wow!', but he meant 'Ouch!'. The hippy tried to place the pain and connect it with something logical, but the only thing that sprang to mind was a 750TURBO (yawwwn). The hippy suddenly felt very tired indeed David. The pain was receding, as was the hippy. He was dimly aware of being hippyhandled into a stretcher and of buckles being securely tied around his body, yet he couldn't place the pain. He thought back to his days at college, but all he could recall were socks. Then he had it!
"Oh wow! I've been injected with a mild sedati..."
The hippy blacked out.
The Bosh let out a long almost satisfied sigh and lay back in the bed. Supersludge crawled from the bed and made for the door as fast as his legs would carry him, but he wasn't fast enough. The Bosh beat him to the door and locked it. "Way-yae-man, ye ain't gettin' away that easily man ! We've only just started" Supersludge groaned, he was meant to be rescuing the hippy.
Inspector Jethro sat staring into the distance thinking about how to trap the Bastard Semihippy. PS MadChris sat on the opposite side of the desk chewing one of the legs. Inspector Jethro watched for a moment.
"What's the matter MadChris, you seem a little pent up, tense?"
"Me ?" enquired PS MadChris as he snapped a biro in half.
"There's nothing wrong with me."
PS MadChris grimaced and hit the table twice with a tightly clenched fist, then through clenched teeth he said
"I'm not tense at all!"
Inspector Jethro didn't believe him.
"Not getting it from you're girlfriend then MadChris ?"
PS MadChris jumped up in his chair and ran through the door leaving a PS MadChris shaped hole, then he ran around the office twice causing PC Thomasthetank to swerve into a filing cabinet which locked, trapping him inside. PC MadChris sat back down on his chair and continued to gnaw at the leg of the desk.
"There's still five days to go, then it's the operation, and then the recuperation, AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Inspector Jethro thought it would be a good idea to take PS MadChris out for a drink, just to calm him down a bit.
"Way-yae-man, just once more !"
Supersludge was so weak he couldn't argue.
Inspector Jethro awoke the next morning and stumbled into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and found PS MadChris sat inside. PS MadChris looked at inspector Jethro. "That was a bloody hot curry we had last night !"